DISCLAIMER: IF YOU OWN A BMW YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE OFFENDED.

I have decided that people who own BMW vehicles are either incredibly wealthy, or just idiots. I fit into the latter category. I am not writing this to appear pretentious. I am a school teacher who is not wealthy. I just thought I was one afternoon back in November of 2006.

The story of my ownership of Fraulein is an interesting one. I always leased cars, including my Nissan Sentra during my first years of teaching and a Volkswagen Passat that I later convinced my brother to buy. It is a bit of a lemon and he never misses the opportunity to curse me over that one. I decided to buy a car back in 2006. I proclaimed to my BFF Courtney that I "don't care what I drive. Its just a car." So, how exactly did I walk out of the dealership with a used BMW? Maybe it was because it was in pristine condition. Maybe it was that I liked how I looked in it when I cruised past that shiny semi-truck as I test drove it. Or maybe, just maybe, I was sweet talked by my former high school crush who now is a big muckity-muck at a dealership in my hometown. Maybe I just stared at him as he told me what a great car it was, and imagined that it was 1996 and "we" were going for a ride in that car. Regardless of the reason, I purchased that overpriced German tank.

Our first year was the honeymoon phase. Fraulein ran like a champ. We laughed, we had good times together. She was like my sister on wheels. Then her wheels literally started to come off. I had to replace those tires. $500. Fortunately, Nicole, my BFF from college, is heir to a tire company dynasty. I got some good tires for a good deal. I learned that the BMW dealership is a vacuum for sucking my money. I went in for my 60,000 mile check-up and that cost $600. That was just to look under ze German's hood. They then quoted me $1500 in repairs for new brake pads, rotors, etc. I was beginning to hate Frau. The saga has continued. Frau's indicator lights come on frequently and they blink to remind me that I have no money. To anyone who is considering a BMW, I assure you, you are an idiot. If the cost doesn't kill you, the repairs will. Oil changes will cost you $75 because the oil must be synthetic. Any repair will cost 3x the amount of any normal car. After my last round of pricey repairs/maintenance, I discovered that Frau's hood badge was missing her M and W. I have no idea how this happened. I called and priced a new one. I am not currently willing to part with another $80 on principle alone. I'm over it. Frau now looks like this:

I am the owner/operator of a hot, sassy B.