Mouth Breather

Pictured Left-Right in Southern Indiana's finest J.C. Penneys, circa 1983

Robby (aka Humpty Dumpty), Flawless Katie, and Mouth Breathin', Droopy eyed Bets

I was trying to think of a creative way to reveal the results of my latest sinus CT scan to the world. I think this photo says it all. I can't breathe, fools! Finally, affirmation that I'm not just a slack jawed woman who snores like a wild boar.
My otolaryngologist shared my results at "The Big Reveal" on Tuesday. Deviated septum, jacked up sphenoid and something else sinus cavities. Not good. I am going to have a second opinion, but am mostly like going to schedule sinus surgery this summer. The idea of not having sinus infections about every month and a half sounds quite appealing. A 2 hour procedure under general anesthesia with an instrument very close to my brain is unappealing. Last summer my biggest day involved a beautiful ivory dress. This summer it might entail a backless hospital gown that will undoubtedly allow me to flash my hindquarters to many a healthcare worker in the recovery room. I shan't get ahead of myself. I must first get that second opinion. I promise this is not all a ruse so I can get rhinoplasty like all of those Hollywood folks. However, once it is all done, don't be surprised if you notice smaller nostrils.

Lilly Fun

Today I took T to another new spot for him in Indy. We visited the Lilly gardens on the grounds of the IMA.

We also saw the outside of the house. I've been there, and interiors aren't really his thing, so we stayed outside in the lovely weather.

I kept calling it my "Grey Gardens, " and imagining that I was little Edie, minus the pantyhose, head wraps and craziness. If you don't know what I'm talking about you must rent that movie starring Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore. It is fascinating. T and I watched the original documentary prior to seeing the Hollywood version. It truly is an amazing story.

Grey Gardens

We journeyed on, sans map. Luckily T was wearing a compass so we didn't lose our path.

The house is so beautiful

I can't! I can't reenact this even though I want to! Is there a car coming?

There. I did it! Only once, though. I'm not a total idiot.

What did you say, Trinity? I didn't quite curve my back enough, and my foot should rest on the ground? Well then, I must do it again. This is art, for Lord's sake.

Yard versus Betsy

Perhaps I was inspired by Mommy Dearest on this Mother's Day. I felt inspired to tackle some yard. Trinity got going on the lawn mowing. I started clipping and attacking bushes. Remember our bushes? They're not really dead. They're just hibernating. They have green buds on them now, or most of them do. They just needed to be cut back. These were my tools:

For the record, I did tons of trimming with those Paul Bunyan style clippers. I was charging a battery that I thought was for the weedwacker. T informed me approximately one hour later that they were for battery operated trimmers. They were much easier to use. Then the battery died. I didn't get too far, but I made a dent.

Carnage. I threw clippings on the front porch. Part of the skin from my right thumb is on there too. I tried to amputate it with those shear things. Shear craziness, I tell you! I never miss a pun. I believe I cleared it away with the rest of the branches. I was too tired to get the stuff you see pictured. Some might call this a "stoop." It's a porch, jerks.

I implored T to capture my working. I am equally appalled by my paleness, that damned bush and my humpback.

The remnants of a U Bush, post Joan Crawfording. "U be my bitsh!" I screamed at it repeatedly.

My partner worked very hard as well.

Slightly better, I think. Slightly. The trimmers must be charged and I shall do this again very soon. Then I will sell some of my hair to purchase enough mulch to make this home presentable. I look out the window daily for the crew from "Curb Appeal." I fear my neighbors will report us for piss poor landscaping. I plead guilty.

Speaking of neighbors, I had to capture this shot. We are the 1950s version of picking a "model" floorplan. The first three houses on my street are almost identical.

The Nina, The Pinta and The Santa Maria

Now you might be wondering what our Himmy was up to.

It's Sunday, so probably thinking about Jesus.

Cinco de Mayo!

Ole!

We had lots of laughs, margaritas and guacamole on Cinco de Mayo at Adobo Grill. It was so crazy crowded because most people just need a small incentive like a holiday to drink tequila on a Thursday. I made reservations and they shuffled us to a tiny private room. We were located so far from the bar and the mariachi band. I was so sad.

But not for long! They came in to perform. Allison was super excited. The tightness of their pants was astounding.

Nick was impressed.

Fiesta with friends!

Sinuses, Allergies and other General Malaise

I have no idea why I have this picture. It showcases my large nasal cavities and lips perfectly!

Oh, woe is me.

I broke down and miraculously got an appointment tomorrow with my Ear, Nose and Throat doctor, also known as an Otolaryngologist. Say that 6 times fast. I am so over my issues with my face, nose, head, whatever. My head has throbbed for like 6 weeks. I was explaining all of this to my dear mother, who is completely to blame for all of my ailments.

Mrs. Snozberry and her spawn.

like mother, like daughter. Mother lacks my enormous blowholes, though.

She apologized today for this, claiming full responsibility for my pain. She believes my sinuses and allergies are hereditary. I believe her. Let me just say this. As a child I was awakened by Janie in one of two ways. Sometimes she crept into my room singing

Come out, come out wherever you are
And meet the young lady who fell from a star
She fell from the sky, she fell very far

And Kansas she says is the name of the star

All Glenda the Good Witch style. She even held her hands out as if gripping a wand. Yes, I'm serious. The other way she woke her three pumpkins was by hacking up sinus secretions from the back of her throat in the bathroom sink. I preferred the first method. The point is that I knew all about sinuses and allergies from a young age. I have also had some tough breaks as an adult due to extensive overexposure to The Wizard Of Oz. Most of my peers don't get my favorite, oft-used phrases:

"Don't make me get the flying monkeys!"

"POPPIES!"

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."

Again, I must thank my parents for thinking it was 1955 for my entire childhood.

As I fussed over my pain today, I thought it would be so awesome if I could remove my nose and sinuses, Mrs. Potatohead style.

Oh my. It seems Mrs. Potatohead and I share enormous eyes, lips and a nose. That's depressing. I do want her purse.

The Royal Wedding

My dear mother loves all things royal. She hosted a Royal Wedding viewing party at her house on Friday. Here is the British flag to welcome the guests.

Caroline, our little flower girl, anxiously awaited the arrival of the guests. I pray she becomes the next India Hicks. That would be amazing!!!

The spread of goodies, with my own bridally portrait watching the festivities from the background. Mother has been polishing her silver for days, you see. This is completely normal behavior in her eyes. You don't entertain without silver. She is unaware that it is no longer 1952, but I enjoy her traditional ways.

The cake was absolutely delicious!

Mimosas were prepared under the watchful eye of His Royal Highness, Prince William Phillip Louis, etcetera, etcetera...

Princess Diana was at the center of the celebration. Mother's toast included, "God bless our beautiful Diana, and to hell with the Rottweiler." She's a huge fan of Camilla, obviously.

Judith arrived as The Queen. She carried a brass curtain rod as her scepter. We don't fool around when it comes to being clever.

Mother and Virginia sported beautiful feather fascinators.

His Regal Puss in Boots enjoyed a mimosa. I kid, we don't inebriate our felines.

Meg, Caroline and I hit up the fruit bowl. We had lots of fruit. We like to keep our guests regular.

We relaxed on the couch to watch the festivities. I sadly see that once again, my gams are more Camilla than Kate or Diana. The angst!

Saturday Festivities

Saturday morning Sister Katie and I left our parents' house and headed back to Indy to shower this lovely lady with lots of baby love! Cinda is due to birth two bambinos on June 7th. One boy and one girl shall bear likeness to this goober-

They are genetically predisposed to come out dancing and singing. Gabe's performance abilities remind me of this guy

Cinda was glowing as she unwrapped oodles of fun gifts.

Katie and her pals Kirby, Mel, Jaymee and Amanda outdid themselves with food from Cafe Patachou and mini cupcakes from The Flying Cupcake. I started my perfect food day at this shower.

As I toured Cinda's beautiful home, I spied this. Now in her defense, this was hung inconspicuously on a wall that is not prominent. However it was still hanging. Miss Cinda had some glory days as one of Indiana University's Red Steppers. They were known for their high kicks and sassy boots.

I returned home to find my lawn mowed and my garage cleaned. I should leave town more often. As I exited the garage, I spied the ulterior motive for Trinity's cleaning frenzy. He clearly wanted a clear viewing spot to display his Triple Crown Victory, his Trifecta, if you will, at the American Association of Debauchery Games last year. You might recall my "Slapshot" shot taking while wearing my mother's Head tennis jacket. T and his partner Chad killed everyone in the tourney of darts, corn hole and beer pong. His platform of excellence looks smashing against a backdrop of extension cord-

We headed out to one of my favorite Indy spots for dinner, H2O Sushi. T had a pre dinner cocktail of RI1 whisky. In order to reach his whisky, he left out a bottle of Frangelico. I marveled at how much this bottle looks like Mrs. Butterworth's. It needs a child safety cap, for Lord's Sake. Some unsuspecting child might want some pancake syrup. I knew better, for I hate syrup. Shocking, I know, since I eat cake by the pound. I rather dislike syrup.

I didn't take any pictures at the restaurant. There was a couple on their first date next to me at the sushi bar and I was far too busy eavesdropping. I was an awesome dinner date to my own husband, as I constantly shushed him so I could vicariously enjoy their excitement.

When we returned I whipped out the maraca cups I bought at a garage sale. They shake and rattle and they are awesome. I love kitsch. Oh, and no I'm not pregnant. My dress might argue to the contrary, but I'm not I swear-

On the way back from sushi, I drove T through Butler University's campus. I tried to convince him to look for any houses that might be for sale within visual distance of the Delta Gamma house. Wouldn't it be fabulous if I could just go and hang with the DGs everyday when I got home from work? He disagreed. It certainly is not as beautiful as my own Theta chapter house of DG at IU, but whatevs.

As we were driving home, Cherry Bomb by John Mellencamp started playing on the radio. I told T of one of my absolute favorite college memories. One beautiful sunny day in August 2000, I was a carefree senior at IU. As I got up that morning, rumors were flying that John Mellencamp was going to play a free concert in Woodlawn Field at 1:00. I blew off class with my BFF Nicole and we went to check it out. He was there, he played, and it was marvelous. I remember being insanely hot and insanely excited. I told myself I would always remember that crazy day and how fun it was. On the way back to our house, my leather sandal strap broke. Like totally off. I don't think I was so in to pricey shoes then. I hobbled back home on the hot pavement in one sandal, laughing all of the way. I was probably drunk. Yes, yes, I'm certain of that. Glory days!

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